Like designer bags or sunglasses, yoga apparel has become indicative of a certain economical status and fashion awareness. But honestly, do you think the yogis in 3000 BC checked the logo on their classmate’s pants in the midst of their downward dogs? If you drop two hundred dollars on yoga apparel, is that going to help you find balance any quicker? Dare I call those parading around in their boot cut spandex pants poseurs? I dare. The following is a manifesto of sorts; a call to arms for those who don’t give a damn about what they wear to their practice. Let’s shake them up, shall we?
I propose a return of the weight lifting pants made popular by various different hair bands in the mid eighties. You know the ones I mean. It may just take a while for the convenient block your subconscious has put on them to dissipate. Wide through the legs, tapered toward the ankle and covered in various rockin’ designs, these pants made the wearer look both tasteless and lazy at the same time. They are the anti-yoga pant.
Find yourself a pair that reflects your personal taste. You may be a neon pink lightening bolt type of person or feel the most comfortable with drunken bulldogs splayed across your thighs. Don’t forget your white sports socks and tattered trainers. The dirtier your sneakers are the better. Wear them proudly to class. Strut if your must.
“What about my abs!” I hear your cries. You’ve worked really hard on that yoga six pack. After all, that was your reason for meditating and becoming vegan wasn’t it? While others may be happy with the exposure that a technologically advanced sweat-wicking yoga bandeau gives them, I’d recommend a loose fitting, poly-jersey blend half top. This way, you don’t have to stop at midriff.
You can enjoy the way the top slides up around your neck during downward poses. Not only will it conveniently sop up any excess sweat, it exposes your entire torso to the yogi behind you. Men – don’t suck in your belly as it defeats the purpose entirely. Women- consider wearing your thread bare Corona bikini top for support underneath or go crazy and wear nothing at all.
If you are just not comfortable without some kind of logo on your clothing, why not make your own? Puffy or glittery fabric paints can be purchased at your local suburban craft shop and it’s surprisingly easy to decorate your new yoga clothes. ‘Git ‘er done’, or ‘Go hard or go home’ are all humorous, motivational ways to show the rest of the class that you’re serious about finding your inner peace and unity.
We’ve covered pants, shirts and shoes which leaves us with the problem of head gear. Solution: Beer Cap. While your yoga partners are stopping themselves mid practice to sip from their ergonomically designed water bottles, you won’t be able to stop yourself from smirking as you draw deeply from your hat. You won’t need to miss an exhale. The tubes fit comfortably behind or in front of your ears and a simple, only mildly obscene tongue grope is all it takes to get them in your mouth. Try filling the cap with organic beer, diet cola or even, if you feel brave, tap water.
I can picture this new army of anti-fashion yogis and my heart swells. I see you all, parading into the classroom, heads high. You have much to be proud of. The shock that others may feel about your appearance could set off some synapses in some of your more aware classmates. What’s the difference between what they’re wearing and what I am?
Maybe they’re right….who gives a damn about my pants and headband. Yoga is about the body and not what it’s covered in. You and your god awful weight lifting pants may liberate poor souls burdened by brand names. You may be the catalyst that inspires change. You may also be asked to leave the classroom; mercilessly mocked and huffed at. I suggest bringing extras for your beer cap.
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